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Talk:Patricia Mercia/@comment-37446848-20191128131313
OC Review [Notice: This is '''my critique' of the CreepyPasta OC article, Patricia Mercia, which has been assigned to me for a review by a staff member of the CreepyPasta Files Wiki for participation as a contestant of the "[[New Challenge!|''Ne]]''w Challenge''"] '' '''NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!' To put it briefly, everything about this page is atrocious. The biography, writing, pacing, characters, etc. Patricia Mercia is something I can barely qualify as a CreepyPasta, let alone a CreepyPasta OC. She's a very poorly made character with little positive qualities. It’s just so stupid in almost every aspect that it’s almost impossible to think of that the creator was completely serious when he/she wrote it. So, allow me to break down the article piece-by-piece... Artwork: Let's start off with the art used in the template first. First impression? It's OK enough, I suppose. Although I won't be too critical, as I am by no means an artist or even good at art. However, I can ''say that I've looked at art before. A lot. And I've picked up a few things when critiquing art. So first and foremost, it's very cutesy/cartoony, which is not always the best art-style to use for a CreepyPasta OC or any type of Horror OC in general. And as a minor nit-pick, it's just something I'm generally not fond of either. But if it's the only thing you can work with then go for it. But just some advice, practice more on your art. I'm not saying it's the worst I've ever seen, because it's clearly not, but it's still not the best as well. ''So, with that out of the way, let's move onto the... Template: It has information that either doesn't peak my interests or I just plain-old don't care for. It lacks a lot of variation or even compelling details. I find it unobtrusively and staunchly bland, and I can guarantee that anyone would not ever consider making an OC template like this. You can very easily ''put in a little more meat into it to capture more people's attention. Because this is the purpose of a template: If you have important information, you add it to the template. If there isn't, you remove it. Or if there's hardly enough information to hold attention for or information that works as a practically unnecessary fill-in, then you don't need to use a template. It's that simple. ''Now, onto the... Appearance/Physical Description: The white hair and the glowing yellow/white eyes? That's a big.fat.NO. It's a cliché. It's not realistic. Human or not, nobody's eyes are that fluorescent and no one's hair color is naturally bright white either. I will also say now that the clothing choices are poor, the flat bright colors and dress are not suited for being a killer, you kind of want to stick in the shadows and be able to properly maneuver around. Also, she doesn't wear any shoes which is going to suck if this OC's main abode is in the woods, or anywhere really. For my suggestion, change the dress with more practical and comfortable attire and pick darker colors. As dresses poof out, they can get caught on twigs/branches and pieces of metal/glass, shoes will protect her feet from getting cut up, and dark colors help you blend in with your surroundings. Moving on next is the... Biography/Characterization: I have no idea what emotion the first paragraphs of the bio was intended to provoke in me as both a reader and a reviewer, but boredom and annoyance were the only two I felt. It does nothing to build the main character, other than to attempt at characterization by randomly throwing in "quirky" traits for personality, like PTSD, Dyslexia, and an allergy to f*cking butterflies ''(''w''hich was just so crushingly cringy to read) and syringes, which that particular allergy doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It would make more sense if you were referring to the type of '''metal' of a syringe that she's allergic to (which would be a nickel allergy.) It also does not explain anywhere on the page how or why she has these disorders, or how it affects her well-being/mindset. If you are going to give a character a mental disorder, look into those mental disorders. In fact, research everything you're doing with your OC, as to avoid being labeled a fool by everyone Earth. And another thing, characters need to have substance and some context for their personality. You should actually try to describe how this character is a specific personality trait, why and/or how she acts a certain way towards other people, and what situations she is those traits. Because if you don't, people are more likely going to dislike and ignore your character. In fact, I'm starting to grow only to despise this OC more and more, due to the fact she has the WORST motivation to kill people. Apparently, according to Patricia anyone who she deems "normal" (which can arguably be subjected as to what might be considered "the norm"), she will kill, but for some odd reason, she doesn't''' know why she does... What an incredibly stupid reason to kill people. Not a lot of people realize how important it is to explain why their OC would kill someone. The story never goes into much detail about the reasons behind her actions, and it's quite frustrating. She needs a reason for murder. I can think of a few reasons, and creator, you are welcome to use any of these: 1. 'She is being forced by her captors to kill against her wil'l. 2. '''She is serving her captors and only killing is simply carrying out orders to her. 3. She considers her species "superior" to humans. Now, these are reasons that I consider less dumb than the one mentioned on the page. Next up is the... Backstory: It's very cookie-cutter in the same way that most CreepyPasta OCs are. However, there's one thing in particular that I'd like to point out is that: even though she's described being a 'test subject' this story really... doesn't involve any experiment. There's the iconography of her being non-human, a few words mentioning her being a 'fetchling' (whatever that is, the story never explains what it is. Her existence and “abilities” are completely left unexplained), but there's really no crazy lab experiment type of content to the backstory. If anything, it seems like the story treats that idea like a grab bag of "''Ooh, that sounds cool" ''material, without bothering to include actual background on it. Which is a very lazy and uninspiring thing to do as a creator. Right off the bat, I already know that the story is not a strong suit. The dialogue is stilted, ineffectual characters, scenarios are dumb; they introduce characters that either vanish quickly or have no real bearing on the plot. Punctuation and grammar are no better. Like, forgetting to capitalize the letter “I”, along with other countless errors. I was also a little lost at times in the story as well, mostly because there was no real story, to begin with. Everything jumps from one segment to the next without any context or build-up, and it starts looking like an enormous mess. Seriously, half of the time I couldn’t even tell what was happening because of the incredibly sloppy way this story was written and told. The overall concept is as simple and weak as can be really about some lame anti-sue who is stricken by random and unfathomable misfortune (for the purpose of making her more sympathetic, which just has the complete opposite effect on me as I find her annoying than tragic) along with horrible characteristics, so much that the story becomes tiring, depressing, and unrealistic. I mean yeah, my brother was just killed by some maniac, I come home to find my parents gone without a trace, and instead find some random woman lurking in my house. What do I do in this situation? Runaway with her, as I declare her to be my new loving mother! But wait… She lied to me, she betrayed me… I did not see that coming. How could she do that to me? Now I kill her in the cheesiest way possible! Yep, that is basically all this story is about. Sorry, but I just couldn’t engage with anything that was happening in the story. There are also some really awkward, supposedly “dramatic” moments to the story, that just seem to overexaggerate a bit. Like, the main character being fed cooked worms… just, ugh. I just couldn’t believe how silly the story was looking at times. There are lots of clumsy moments in it, which make it seem like the author has no idea how to write a decent CreepyPasta backstory or just a story in general. The author clearly doesn’t know when to include tension, when to end certain stuff, or how to keep a story going and build up to something. It would have been nice if there was actually something interesting or tense happening. That being said, this story and character is a great outline as to how a CreepyPasta OC should not be made. 0/10.